Parts-n-Pieces

RBOC: 'Cause It's All I Can Muster

Earlier this week I realized that I'm done.  I can't do any more.  I can't.  Finishing (and defending) the dissertation, conducting a national job search, teaching eight classes, handling a recurring medical issue, and dealing with the ordinary occurrences of life . . . I'm done.  I can't do any more of anything.  I can't.  Who knew this year would end up being so hard.  I surely didn't.

Therefore, some random bullets of crap:

• The dissertation has been electronically submitted to ProQuest . . .  all 454 pages of it.  If I had it all to do over (and thank the gods I don't), I'd scale so far back . . . I ended up writing the quantity of two dissertations and both of them were badly written.  (Wishing I had had a little more direction with these two dissertations, but there you go.)

• The Bundle came home for Easter.  It's wonderful to have her home.  I'm beginning to understand what it's like to separate from her and be OK with that separation. She thought looking for Easter eggs was a real pain . . . until she found the first one, then she had fun.  (There were only 15 of them and they were all in one room.)

• The students this semester (most of them) have been just wonderful. There are others, however, who are about the worst I have ever had.  Apathetic, entitled, superior, rude . . . and rest assured, these are the students who will be the first to complain when they don't get the "A+" they expect. 

• Maybe it's my deep fatigue, but the snarky (OK, just hateful) attitude of some people who are in positions to know better just astounds me.   It is people like these who give this profession a bad name.  Trust me on this one.

• My dreams lately have been oddly disturbing:  old boyfriends (each night a different guy) and we were doing something indicative of that relationship (music, motorcycles, literature).  Maybe it's a way to say "goodbye" before I move on.  Who knows.  Still odd, though.

• I am so ready to move on I can't explain it.  I'm ready.  Now.  Desiring to shake the dust off my boot soles (the boots with the bootstraps I've used to pull myself up) and move on.

RBOC (post-diss pre-job edition)

One would think that after the horrors of the dissertation (defense), the exhausting end of the semester, the stress of the job-search-disguised-as-dating-ritual I'm now suffering through, and the trauma-inducing assault in San Francisco, life would be just peachy.  It isn't.  I'm depressed.  Therefore, random bullets.  (Eventually I'll get back to writing something of substance.  Today isn't the day.)

• I'm depressed.  Yes, this is to be expected.  I have been through a lot in the past six weeks or so (as noted above).  It sucks nonetheless.

• I need to get my act together as classes start in four days.  Am I ready?  Not a chance.  Two syllabi done and two more to finish.  So much more to do.  I hope tomorrow I'll be done with syllabi.

• I think this entire job search process is awful.  Don't get me wrong; I had my share of interviews (MLA and phone), and I think those went OK.  I don't think I bombed anything.  But still.  Now it's waiting.  Waiting for the phone to ring.  I haven't had to wait for the phone to ring since high school.  And the waiting brings up such insecurities.  "Why did [that school] contact her and not me?"  "What has [this other candidate] have that I don't have?"  I despise that kind of comparison making, but that's what this job search process encourages.  OK, maybe not "encourages," but still.  I have turned into a 17-year old neurotic girl who doesn't have a date for prom.

• I always had dates to the prom.  In fact, I went to four proms and had dates for each one of them.  (Those were the days.)

• I have to give teaching demonstrations on two campus visits (so far! and my phone line is available now!!), and I'm not sure how I'm suppose to do this.  My entire teaching pedagogy/philosophy rests on the fact that I get to know students:  relational pedagogy.   I won't know these guys and gals.  And I suck at pretending.  Something to work on . . . .

• I am buying a new camera, as I have worn out the Nikon D-50.  I'm upgrading to a D-300.  This purchase isn't as "random" as much as it's "fan-freaking-tastic."  I'm upgrading from 6.0 megapixels to 12.3 and the ISO range is much larger than with the D50.  The D300 also has a sensor-cleaning mechanism that the D-50 does not have (and my current sensor is filthy).   I'll stick with the same lens setup I now have (18-55mm and 70-300mm).  My next major photography purchase will be an f/2.8 lens.  Maybe not this one, as I might need to spend the $23,899.95 (free shipping!) on a car someday.

• I wonder if it'd be tacky to take my new camera on job visits.  I wouldn't pull out the camera during a talk with the Provost and and ask the admin assistant to take our photo ("cheese!") or anything, but I might take photos of locations.  Bad form?

But whatever.  Tomorrow I'll get up and start on this work.  I'll go outside and walk.  I might go to a museum.  My friend wants to practice his job talk on me, and if I can stomach revisiting the world of Division I-A sports, there is a basketball game tomorrow night.  I might like that.

RBOC (end of November edition)

Good Things, Random Bullets, The Dissertation, . . . and a some other bulleted stuff.

Good Things:

• The Bundle came home for Thanksgiving (her quarter break).
• The Bundle has now gone home . . . heh, "home" . . . her place.
• The house is fairly clean and laundry is done.  Good enough for now.
• The blogs that students created this semester are terrific.  Most students wrote most of the time, and they wrote thoughtful and careful posts.  I'm so proud. :-)   NaBloPoMo helped keep everyone accountable.
• The fireplace works just fine . . . as long as I leave one window open.  (It's not quite cold enough here for a fire.)
• The grading is done (almost) . . . just a few late arriving pieces.
• The social-networking tools I use frequently . . . what a great way to stay connected to people I enjoy and care about.
• The end of the semester in about two weeks.  This one has been surreal.
• The RSA Summer Institute.  I registered, and it should be just awesome.  One seminar and one workshop are directly related to the work I am doing and the work I'm planning for the spring/summer.
• The iPod and "shuffle" music
• The dinner at my sister's . . . playing poker with the fam is always fun.
• The classes I'm slated to teach next spring excite me greatly:  Intermediate Composition (rhetoric and documentary film), Sophomore Seminar (Writing through Photography), and Advanced Composition (multi-genre writing) -- those RSA seminar/workshop will be useful for future studies.

Random Bullets of Crap:

• Using the Geo-phyzz bath bomb from Lush Products is mighty fine. Relaxing.  It makes for an expensive bath, but worth it.
• Stressing just slightly that I have only heard from a handful of places from this current job search.  The wait is expected, but still difficult.
• Checking the rhet/comp wiki too often.
• Feeling sad for the young widow who lived behind me (she moved out today). Her husband passed away a few days ago (he was 36).  She now has no job (he was the family provider) and three young children.  So sad. She's gone home to live with her parents.
• Feeling a bit disappointed in some folks I know quite well who said nothing (not a word) about my own illness this semester or my sister's death.  But then, they did the same thing when my mother died a few years ago.  Par?  Maybe.  Disappointing, nonetheless.
• Learning that Patti Smith was awarded an honorary doctorate from Rowan University this past May.  Good for her and good for Rowan!  A bit of a site note:  Rowan sent me a very, very nicely worded rejection letter.

The Dissertation

• Wondering why it's not done yet . . .  it's not like I have anything else to do (besides, you know, teach 9 million students and read 19 gazillion essays).  Truly.  The date they gave me to make the corrections the rogue committee member demanded is 12/3 (Wednesday).
• Wondering if I am close to being done?  Not on your life.  The more I change, the more that needs changing. 
• Wondering when "enough" is "enough"?
• Wondering "what if" they (or this one person) still has issues with something that's taken me two years to write?

Other stuff:

• Headache.  'nuff said ... I've had this headache for weeks (months), and it won't go away.  Sometimes it's mild; sometimes it's not (like now).  Nothing seems to help.
• As much as I like working with student-athletes, realizing that having 80-90 percent in one class (or in two classes, actually) makes it almost impossible to keep on a schedule . . . some group of them is always gone. The lack of a consistent schedule has been hard on everyone . . . but guess who's course evaluations will suffer?
• Patti Smith appears frequently on my iPod shuffle. I'm not complaining, mind you, just noticing.  (I really love the B&W image on her site.)

I suppose I should end on a positive note: 

The semester is almost over, the diss will be finished before too long, MLA (and San Francisco) is coming up, I have some really great students this term, I'll be teaching classes that I'm excited about next term, my daughter is healthy, and there is money in the bank.  Life is good.

15 Items (Random, Unfortunate, Good)

'Cuz it's all I can muster:  15 random, unfortunate, and good things:

Random Things:

• Mailed out 12 job dossiers through Interfolio last weekend. Today?  12 more.  Interfolio makes this cumbersome process much easier.
• The Bundle spent several days last week in Idaho.  (Who knew that any place in Idaho would have a soccer team? They do.)  On the way back-- in order to save the (state) university money, the team took connecting flights home (or maybe there wasn't a direct flight; I don't know).  They all slept in the airport on Sunday night (no hotel charges, I guess), boarded the plane in Boise, then traveled to Oakland, Los Angeles, El Paso, and Dallas.  Four stops.  Then took a five-hour bus ride back to LA.  The Bundle has always needed a lot of sleep.  She didn't get any.  She's tired and oh-so-grumpy.
• But she gets to go to Hawaii next week.  Soccer in Hawaii and Idaho.  Who knew?
• Bloglines is not picking up the feed for this blog.  My readership has dropped significantly.  One day, though, the feed will reestablish itself, and readers will receive, oh, 37 new blog posts from me.  Good times!
• Referring soccer each weekend, I work with approximately 80 little boys (5 and 6 years old).  Sometimes they fall down.  Sometimes they scrape their knees or elbows.  Sometimes they get hit in the head with a soccer ball.  Sometimes they cry.  They are, after all, 5 years old (kindergarten).  When I play with them to cajole them back into the game (no one is really ever hurt . . . but children THINK they are hurt), I might say something like: "Is there blood?  No?  Then back in you go!" or "Your foot hurts?  What if I cut it off, then it won't hurt any more?"  I laugh and play with them all the time while teaching them the game of soccer.  They know I'm kidding.  Their parents know I'm kidding (I make these comments in front of parents or coaches).  Except one parent.  She didn't get it, and she complained to the league:  "That referee is threatening children that she'll cut off their feet! Make her stop!!!"

Unfortunate Things:

• My dog, once again, has bladder stones.  She eats prescription dog food.  She's now eating super-duper prescription dog-food.  Last time, she had to undergo surgery to remove the very large stone.  This time, we're trying the super-duper dog food and antibiotics that might dissolve the smaller stones in her bladder.  Poor puppy.
• My car battery died when I was at the animal hospital yesterday. Then it died again this morning.   Bummer.  (But see below how it turns into a "good thing").
• Seeing a woman so very unsupportive of another woman when they are both in a difficult situation.  That shouldn't happen.   But competition can creep in just about anywhere.  And it is often mighty ugly.
• Teaching a class the other day and it just tanked, and this is unfortunate.  It was the Monday after fall break, 9:00 a.m., and I'm certain students were adjusting to having a few days off from school, but still.  It tanked.  Big time.  I must go back into tomorrow and beat them into condition.  (heh)
• Oh wait, someone might read that last bullet and believe I will actually BEAT my students.  No, they are all too fast for me.

Good Things:

• Getting a discount on my car battery ($35 instead of $75) because I had a battery that was still under a partial warranty. Whohoo!
• Hearing that a 12-year niece of a blogging friend likes to look at my photographs.  How sweet!
• Having some really great students this semester.  Truly.  I'm blessed.  They are just great people.  Oddly, I tend to get a lot of football players in my classes (thus, the dissertation), but this time?  Swimmers.  They are everywhere.  But they are awesome.  Oh, and the tennis players, and the basketball players, and the couple of football players, and the equestrian rider ... interesting mix of young people.
• Having a roadside assistance program associated with my cell phone.  It's lovely to call for assistance and have it not cost anything. W00t!
• Retrieving comforters from the cleaners ... clean and clean smelling.

RBOC: Day #13 Edition

It's a mixed bag today:  random bullets and good things.

The Random:

• I'm looking at $2.79 in nickels, dimes, and pennies on my desk.  I should save these.  You know, the funds for two trips to San Francisco this year must come from somewhere.
• In the SuperTarget parking lot this afternoon, a young man on a skateboard tried to "race" me.  Oddly enough, he won.
• I wonder if all-encompassing fear is common at this stage of writing/job hunting?  It must be.  I can't be the only one feeling this way.
• Sometimes I just don't think people "see" me.  Yes, they sense my presence-- they see my physical body-- but they really have no clue who I am, what I can do, what I think.  They assume; they assume incorrectly.
• Last night I had a dream about my high school boyfriend.  I don't really remember the dream, but it was sad.
• Occasionally, people will tell me that I am an inspiration. (I don't know that I am any kind of inspiration, but I do have an inspiring story.)  I heard those words today . . . from a man I have not seen in about 6 years.
• I'm missing the Bundle more and more everyday.  I will drive to LA in about a month to visit her.
• I will be finishedwith the dissertation by then.  I will be (she tries to convince herself).
• Sometimes I just need to cry.  But there are no tears.  These days?  There is no time for them.

The Good (and listing three instead of ten ... that's a good thing all by itself):

• I am so very proud of my daughter.  Forever and always.  Amen.
• Yesterday, I talked with a former ICW student who is destined to be a professional football player.  Every time I see him, he hugs me and thanks me for riding his ass in our class for a year and not letting him get away with the buffoonery he (and others) tried to pull.  Again, I wish others could see these young men as I do, see them for who they are inside, not just their race, their muscle, their attitudes.  It was good to see him.
• My graduation present to myself is rather sweet:  a 42" HD flat screen television.  The HD is just effing awesome.

Enough for now.  Off to grad institution.  I'm realizing that four nights a week is a lot to be away from home.  I'm tired and it's only mid-September.

Random Bullets of Good, Bad, Random, and Odd Things

Lately there has been so little time to write anything not work or dissertation related.  But today, dear readers, I give you . . . good, random, odd, and bad things.  (OK, just one bad thing.)

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Good Things:

• Soccer started this morning, and the weather was terrific.  Warm and sunny.  Not too hot.  Fun kids, and after a good "talking to" before the game, very nice coaches.  (OK, the one exception is the coach who called the police on a grandparent from the opposing team, but that's another story.)
• I did not have to eject anyone from the complex.
• My dog, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, is the best dog ever.  Evah!  Dogs of this breed are bred as lap dogs . . . loving and gentle.  I got a good one.
• I have some just awesome students this semester.  The two composition classes are about 50% repeats. . . . I love it when that happens.
• My cat is a little afraid of the cat tower I bought her yesterday.  (Maybe this isn't a "good" thing?)
• One of the best things I have heard in a very long time happened this morning on the soccer field.  A little boy-- 5 years old-- asked me why I had raindrops on my forehead.  (sweat)
• I spent time with the Bundle last weekend when her university's soccer team (she is their athletic trainer) was in this area to play soccer matches against two other area universities.  I have missed her so very much, but it was so wonderful to see her being the professional she is.  She takes her work very seriously.  I'm so proud.
• My soccer referee friend said this morning that I should not feel bad about the dissertation / Ph.D. taking so long to complete as (1) I have worked full time the entire time I've been in this program and (2) I SUCCESSFULLY raised a child by myself.

Random Things:

• Some of my students this semester are using Twitter (and a whole host of other social networking tools), and while they like what we are doing, they don't quite know WHY we are doing what we are doing.  They don't get it.  To "follow" someone on Twitter seems creepy to some of them, like they are stalking someone or something. 
• Interestingly, some of them brought up the idea of the "creepy treehouse" (an idea discussed on a discipline-specific listserv a few months ago).  They want to maintain the boundaries that separate students and faculty from accessing each other's social networking sites.  I will have a much longer post about this tomorrow.
• Since school started, it's been hard to get back into the mindset / groove of writing.  I'm working on the diss as I can, writing job-search materials (and freaking out), and then prepping for classes (too many classes, to be sure), but that's another story. 
• I bought a GPS -- you know, for that long 4-mile commute between my house and campus.  But once the diss is finished, I do plan to take some road trips.  It'll be handy then.
• I miss taking photographs for Project 365 . . . maybe I can get back to it once the diss is finished.  I don't need any other distractions right now.  But I do miss it.

Things I Don't Quite Understand:

• I don't get how Charter Communications can be so difficult to work with . . . every month . . . for as long as I have been a customer.  I only want to pay my bill.  One would think they'd get better after a while . . . or at least make the payment option less complicated.
• Suddenly I feel as if I'm in a race against someone-- to see who will finish the dissertation first.  This, my friends, is creeping me out to no end.  I don't know this person well, and I'd be certain that we won't be applying for the same types of positions come December.  So why the rush to be first?

And One Really Awful Thing:

• Even though I was successful in rearing my daughter -- successful by almost anyone's standards -- I think I have failed in one very crucial element.   She says she's voting for McCain and Palin.  (Oh, God, what did I do wrong? Where did I fail?  Help her see the error of her ways....)

Random Bullets and a Dog Photograph

It's all I've got:  random bullets and a dog photograph.

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Remember the reason for dog photos on a blog? 

Yet again today, I realized how badly I need change in my life.  I can't say more than that.

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• Lately, I have been such a bad blogging friend.  I have commented only on a tiny handful of blogs.  I'm not posting photos on the Project 365 blog.  I'm not playing Facebook word games.  I'm not responding to messages.  I'm striving to finish the diss.  I'll get back to blogs and you wonderful people soon.
• I saw my daughter this last weekend.  I had missed her so much, but I'm proud of the way she has grown up and how she's living her life.  She's so awesome.  She's lonely in her new place, though.  She misses her friends and her family.  There is not much I can do about any of that.
• The drive back and forth between here and LA is long and hot.  I'm glad I have air conditioning.
• I lose cell phone service about 45 miles from my daughter's home, and I don't have it the entire time I'm with her.  All those Verizon network folks who follow us around everywhere we go (even in those dead zones)?  They must get lost in LA.
• My countdown calendar says I have 24 days to complete the diss (or to give the completed draft to my adviser).  I don't think I'm going to make it.  This isn't a hard deadline; it's one I imposed on myself.  But still.  I so need this to be over.
• Every year, the campus recreation center refinishes the volleyball court floors.  I work in the same building as those volleyball courts.  The fumes are noxious, and they make me sick (light headed, headaches, sore throat).  Sick = no dissertation work accomplished.
• I wonder if it's too late in life to join the circus.  Or become an actor.  Or a car wash attendant.

RBOC: Punched in the Gut Edition

All I can muster are random bullets.  Events of the day have left me feeling as if I had been punched in the gut.  So, these are things I'd write more about if I had any energy: 

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• This summer cold just sucks.  I feel like crap.  Note to employees everywhere:  stay home if you are sick.  Do not infect your coworkers.  Step away from the office.

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• My mother's remains arrived today . . . . 15 months after her death . . .  . Since she had been so sick (of self-inflicted causes), we thought that willing her body to the local medical school would be the best course . . . that others might learn something from her and from what her body endured.  They learned quite a bit, apparently.  Or that's what the man at the "cell biology lab" told me this morning.  I had to go get the remains, sign for them, and bring them home.  Sister drama keeps us from doing anything with them today (which was my wish), but tomorrow night, we'll scatter them in a place that was important to my mother . . . a place near where my father is buried.
• This just reminds me that both my parents are deceased.
• Retrieving those remains has been, well, creepy.  Not creepy in a creepy sense, but creepy in a deeply sad (and kinda creepy) way.   I feel bad that it creeps me out some.
• I don't know what pronoun to use when describing them (the remains), or her (my mother), or it (the box the ashes are in).
• The box is small, actually.  But it's quite heavy for someone who was so small when she died.

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• The Bundle leaves for LA in six days (next Sunday).  At dinner tonight, I thought about her move and started to cry.  She laughed at me.
• I talked a big talk a few weeks ago when I wrote that I'd be reinventing myself after her departure.  I'll probably just crawl up in a ball and moan.  As the day of her move approaches, I feel my stomach tighten.  I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself when she's gone . . . except curl up in a big ball and moan.
• Maybe the first week or so she's gone, that'll be a good time to go on a mini vacation somewhere . . . somewhere I've never been with her . . . start to form solo memories.
• Anybody up for a houseguest for, say, oh, the next 20 years?  (just kidding)

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Being caught between those two people -- my mother and my daughter -- is such an odd place to be.  For them both to be leaving this week (both literally). . . we'll it's hard.  Just hard.  I never realized how much I defined myself by my daughter ("I'm proud to be her mother!") or how I defined myself in spite of my mother ("I chose a different path in life.")   Those defining anchors are gone (or almost gone).  I don't know what to do.

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Wow.  What a downer of a blog post.  I'm sorry.  I'll strive to write something a bit more uplifting later in the week.  You can, however, check the Twitter updates . . . as I update there several times a day . . . and they are generally more positive.  I'm mean, really:  how negative and depressing can one be in 140 characters?

Random Bullets (after the AP Reading)

The AP Reading was (again) an interesting experience, but I am worn out from it.  There are terrific educators there, and now that I've finished my third year, I have begun to know some folks, so I also know who to avoid (those negative teacher-types).   But all that said, I'm tired.  So a few random bullets today:

• At one of the airports I've been to recently, the skycap's name was "Marvelous Lee."  Truly.  That was the name on his name badge.  I told him what a great name he had.  He thanked me.  Then put my luggage on the wrong plane ... at least he did it marvelously.

• I let go of a trapeze the other day, but the second trapeze isn't coming my way as I thought it would.  At least not for a while.   So very disappointing and discouraging.  (Bootcampers know what this means.)

• I had drinks and food (amazing scallops and calamari) then a very long walk with this blogger last week.  It's so great to meet bloggers face-to-face, and this one is so fun and smart.

• I love it when other bloggers ask me about the Bundle. 

• Speaking of the Bundle:  she's out of town at a national convention for her field.  She'll be back about four days before she moves out of state. 

• Maybe that's why (along with the fatigue and the missed second trapeze) I'm feeling so discouraged.  Maybe.

• I changed my blog header today.

• And with that:  I've got nothing else to say.

RBOC: AP Reading Edition

I'm surrounded by words all day long.  Truly.  All. Day. Long.  And most of those words, well, they are perfectly fine words and all, but they are not strung together very well because they were produced by 16-year old high school students under some tough conditions, so I produce random bullets.

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• Florida is gorgeous.  The beach is gorgeous, that is.  I don't care about the rest of the place.  I want to live on the beach and be a beach bum.  Get a metal detector and look for treasure.  Drink beer.  Play in the waves.  Listen to beach music.  Drink more beer.  I'd be so happy.  I could get a Ph.D. in beach bum-ology.
• There are some wonderful people here at this reading.  By this third year, I've come to know some folks, and it's a "same time next year" sort of thing.  We pick up where we left off last summer.  Kinda nice.  Although.  There is a "Same Time Next Year" thing that goes on here, but that's not what I meant. 
• Seeing a bunch of middle-aged English teachers/professors frolicking in the ocean is pretty damn funny.  Pics tomorrow.
• I am always surprised at the kinds of high school teachers I meet here.  Some are just terrific, and I'm sure they are wonderful teachers.  There are others, however.  I do hope that those horribly racist and classist comments they make are just because they are tired and their defenses are down.  Truly. 
• I'm planning to write more about this at a later date, but it's important to remember (for me to remember, at least) that when I'm surrounded by so many teachers, to stay away from the negative ones.  Stay out of the Teachers' Lounge. 
• I'm still wishing that dissertation would just write itself.  I'd let it hang out on the beach with me and everything.
• Because the sunrise here is so very gorgeous, I took some wonderful photos the last few mornings.
• Walking on the beach at 6:00 a.m. is pretty damn sweet.  Too bad my knee still hurts.  I'd try running.  Walking is good, though.
• I have a great roommate who doesn't mind that I turn the air conditioning down to about 67 at night.  I'm lucky.

RBOC: Trying to get caught up edition

For several days, I have thought about things I wanted to write about in this space, but there hasn't been time.  Instead, a quick list of bullets -- some of which will be explored later this week in longer blog posts.

• Project 365(+1):  I'm tired of Project 365, and I think often about quitting.  I completed the project last year, and I'm half-way through the project for this year.  To date, that's 516 days of posting photographs on line.  But as any of you who are also engaged in this work know, it's more than "just" 516 photos.  I've easily taken four times that amount . . . I just post a photo each day that has a specific argument (or it's one that I particularly like).  I don't just take one photo a day and post that one photo.  Time and thought go into these photographs.  I think about quitting though as it's a whole lotta work.  Yes, it's work.  That is, I think about quitting this project until I see the photographs from the last five days.   These photographs are not technically great photos, but they show significance of space and time.  Our world is filled with these moments, these differences, the happenings.  While I'm tired, I will continue to document my little corner of the world.

• Trapeze Artists and Life Changes:  The last time I was thinking about a significant life change, a friend told me to think about trapeze artists.  The trapeze artist, he said, has to be willing to let go of the trapeze she's on in order to catch the next one coming her way.  In other words, she can't hold on to one while waiting on the other.  She has to be willing to free fall for a few seconds before that next trapeze comes to her.  How scary that thought was at the time.  How scary it is again today.  Yet, I'm willing to let go of the trapeze to catch the next one, to catch that next segment of my life.   I'm ready today.

• The Dissertation:  I'm frustrated with lack of feedback.  I'm not sure if they (the committee) are just letting me skate on through (by not offering suggestions for change), if they really don't think my work needs much revision (ha!), or if they are just not interested.

• Female Referees and Sexism:  This will be a longer post as it's something I've been thinking about for months, but there is a significant reason that there are not many female referees:  Sexism.

• The Bundle:  This will also be a longer post in a few days (I'm still processing info), but we traveled to the next state over last week and found her a place to live, met her colleagues, and just took a look at the town.  She's moving there the end of June.  This new town is very different from what she has experienced here.  For me, this is a very very very good thing.   For her, she's not so sure.  She has, though, been spoiled to think that all universities have beautiful landscaping, carpeted classroom floors, new furniture, a mega-chain-store bookstore that sells Starbucks coffee . . .    There is much more to this, but she's about to experience a culture change . . . and she needs to know that the majority of folks in the world do not drive the nicest cars, wear the most current fashions, or have housekeepers.  

Random Bullets of Anxiety (end of semester edition)

Move right along if you have no interest in the personal.  Really.

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Sometimes I wish I had an anonymous blog that had a readership who commented.  Really.

• I've got stuff to say that I can't say here.

Sometimes I wish that my email messages were responded to.  Really.

• I've been waiting for days.  And days.  And days.  Yes, we're all busy.  I get that.  [This is not directed to any one in particular, but a bunch of people particularly.]

Sometimes I wish I could get the dissertation chapters read and commented on.  Really.

• It's been months.  They are not that bad.  Really.  I've seen worse. [This is not directed to any one person in particular, but to a bunch of people particularly.]

Sometimes I just look at certain people and see the stupid-ass crap they do and I wonder what planet they came from.  Really.

• Not gonna touch this one ... at least not here.

Sometimes I feel such frustration at those who always have to win and who don't allow room for others (the people or their ideas).  Really.

• This seems so prevalent -- youth sports, adult sports, politics, listservs, "colleagues," -- this is a very big world.  I'm pretty sure there's room for everyone.

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What might be causing all this anxiety, you might wonder?

Soccer, Springsteen, Coaches, Conferences-- it's another random bullet list!

Fatigue and a little too much to do keep me from writing longer posts.  Oh well.  Random bullets work just fine.

• Today I wanted to-- seriously and with great force-- eject a coach from an under-6 youth soccer game.  He's a jerk of the biggest sort.    Unfortunately, one can't be ejected from a game for just being a jerk.  But if I had a child playing on his team, I'd be complaining to anyone who'd listen in this youth league.  Seriously.  It's guys like this who give youth sport coaches a bad rap.  Hell, this is the kind of guy who give men a bad rap.  Oh, you want an example of his jerkiness?  Yesterday I refereed his team's game, and at the end of each game-- every game-- I shake the hands of coaches and tell them "good game, coach!"  Without fail I do this.  It's a demonstration of good sporting behavior for the children who are watching what the adults do and how they behave.  I move to Coach JerkFace and extend my hand, and I say "good game."  He is talking with his assistant coach.  He extends his hand to me and shakes, but he doesn't look at me nor does he stop his conversation.  Jerk. 
• When mentioning to several close friends that I'm heading to New Orleans in a few days, I'm met with surprising responses.  "Oh, you'll just hate it!"  or  "You know," in a staged whisper, "those people are so dirty.  You'll hate it."   From another in a another staged whisper, "it's so dangerous with those people.  I'm worried for you."  These are from professional women:  a dental hygienist for a county hospital, a musician, a sales person at my local Bath and Body Works.  My friends do not know me at all.  At all.
• I've been to dozens of conferences, but I've really never been as excited about one as this one.  (The AAHE conference in Chicago was pretty sweet, though.)  I cannot wait to set food in New Orleans.  So many things I want to see.  So many people I want to meet.  So many things I want to learn.
• Bruce Springsteen visits Dallas in two weeks, and I'm there. 
• At the soccer fields today I saw Bob.  Bob is as big a Springsteen fan as I am.  We are both excited about the upcoming show.  We see each other and start saying "Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce."  I suppose you'd have to be there.  It's funny.
• Of course I was wearing my black Springsteen concert t-shirt from 2000 under my referee uniform.  Of course.  He was wearing one of his concert t-shirts, too.
• We have to find joy wherever we can.

There has been little dissertation writing lately as I'm waiting on some feedback, but as I write other things-- fun and interesting things with fun and interesting people-- I listen to a random, random 10:

1. "Favorite Year," Dixie Chicks
2. "Save Room," John Legend
3. "Colored Spade," from the Hair Soundtrack
4. "The One I Love," R.E.M.
5. "She," Elvis Costello
6. "Twisted," Santana
7. "All the Young Dudes," Mott the Hoople
8. "Join the Parade," Marc Cohen
9. "Too Drunk (to remember)," Carlene Carter
10. "Sympathize," Amos Lee

March Madness, Stanley Fish, New Orleans, and Paparazzi: It must be Random Bullets!

• The following sound bite was just on the local, late-night sports station:  "Do you want to play here?" the local university football coach screamed at a player, "then don't hit like that."  I wonder what would happen if I spoke to a student in that manner:  "You want to study here?  Then don't write like that."    I probably wouldn't have a job very long.
• Stanley Fish has a blog (through the New York Times).  (Who knew?)  And he has about the best response to the Obama / Rev. Jeremiah Wright debacle:  "We're responsible for our own words -- not anyone else's."  You go, Stanley!  See the entire article here.
• We are down to the NCAA's Sweet 16.  I wonder, within all the excitement surrounding these basketball games, if anyone is thinking about classes for these collegiate basketball players.  You know, the reason they are enrolled in school?  Just sayin'.....
• I am 32 for 48 in my NCAA Tournament bracket.   Not too bad.  But yes, that might seem like a contradiction.  Even though I'm concerned about the students' academic preparedness, I do appreciate their athleticism.  And I love basketball.
• I own a Bill Walton bobblehead (from when Walton was with Portland).
• Starting to plan the schedule for New Orleans.  Anyone want to get together?  Blogger meet ups?  Send an email or leave word in comments below.
• I'll be doing some live blogging of a few session for the "Teaching Basic Writing" listserv/blog  (hosted by McGraw/Hill) . . . along with this über cool person.  If you can't make the sessions, check out the blog for session highlights.
• I recently took some good photographs of Forest Whittaker  . . . I wonder if that qualifies me as a member of the paparazzi . . . I'll be in New Orleans . . . I could stalk take photos of B**d P**t and A******a J***e.  Just sayin'.....
• I do want to spend some time photographing the city, or more accurately, the inhabitants of the city.

ETA:  Names obscured (sort of) in the bullet above.  I was getting a ton o'hits from people looking for info on the pair.    Actually, this is quite scary.  I only posted this last night about midnight, and today at 10:30 in the morning, I've had over 100 hits with those two people listed as the search terms.  I wouldn't want to be either of them.

Random Bullets (Wednesday Edition)

RBOC Wednesday-- a mixture of good things, random things, disappointing things.  It's RBOC!

• Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death.  In the mail today was a card from the hospice where she died.  Nice folks.  Their sympathy and their cards have been appreciated, 3-month, 6-month, 9-month, one-year anniversary cards.
• It's hard to imagine that it's been a year.
• Grief is an odd thing, really, and people react so differently as they work through it.  I wonder if tomorrow will be a hard day.
• My younger sister got married the day after Valentine's day.  She didn't tell anyone . . . not even her children.  Oh, and this marriage?  Her seventh.  Grief.  Good grief.
• Lots of books in the mail this week.  A recommendation from a friend:  Basketball and Philosophy:  Thinking Outside the Paint, and some books I might use in a class next year, something about writing for the web, web 2.0, that is:  Here Comes Everybody: The Power of Organizing without Organizations, Blogging  Heroes, and Facebook: The Missing Manual. 
• The "special" class I taught?  The course that's the foundation of my dissertation?  I'm not teaching it again next year.
• On Sunday, it was 75 degrees.  On Monday, it snowed.  Tuesday and today, maybe 60 degrees.  Tomorrow?  It should snow again, 29 degrees.  Did someone forget, this is Texas, in March? 
• I wonder if 40 pages in dissertation's Appendices are too many.  Probably.  The entire thing is too long.  I spent the afternoon reformatting all those files to fit within the margins of the dissertation template . . . then I made those new files into .pdf files.   Everything looks so neat and clean.  Organized.  So different than real life.
• Spoke with a friend/informant today who reminded me of the ugly side of my dissertation topic.  Ugly.  Really.  Really ugly.  Deplorable human beings, he said.
• NCAA President, Myles Brand is visiting my campus in a few weeks.  Should be interesting.
• I took the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel-- the beautiful Ginger-- to the groomer's a few days ago and she was so clean and soft.  We'd been home about 20 minutes, and she poked her head into the fireplace and got soot on her face, on the white fur.  Soot that won't wash off.  Lovely.
• New Orleans.  Three weeks away.  Can't wait.